Why we self-sabotage and understanding the patterns that hold you back

Understanding why we self-sabotage can be confusing, especially when it happens at moments when things are finally going well. Have you ever done it?

You might reach a point where life begins to open up, more responsibility, more opportunity, more stability, and then something shifts.

You overwork.
You exhaust yourself.
You pull back.
You lose what you worked so hard to build.

It doesn’t make sense, and you start to dislike yourself for going around in circles and feeling stuck.

In my recent podcast episode, Christina Robinson described reaching a point in her early twenties where she had achieved more than she ever expected, and then experienced a breakdown after pushing herself beyond her limits. At the time, she didn’t see it as a pattern. She saw it as failure.

It was only later she began to understand why.

Self sabotage often happens when your life moves beyond what feels familiar

If you’ve spent years believing you are only capable of a certain level of success or stability, anything beyond that can feel unsafe.

Christina spoke about growing up believing that “less than average would be the best I’d ever be.” That belief stayed with her long after her circumstances began to change. EP 66

This is central to why we self sabotage. Your nervous system tries to return you to what feels known, even if what’s known isn’t what you want.

How do we start changing this mindset?

One of the most effective ways to stop self-sabotaging is to begin noticing it while it’s happening, rather than only seeing it afterwards.

Pause and ask yourself simple but powerful questions when you feel resistance or fear: What am I thinking right now? What am I believing about myself? And is it actually true?

This creates a gap between you and the pattern.

Instead of automatically pushing yourself into exhaustion, withdrawing, or assuming you’re not capable, you slow the moment down.

You might realise, for example, that you’re telling yourself you’ll lose everything anyway, or that you’re not meant to succeed.

When you see the belief clearly, you can choose not to act from it.

Just as importantly, begin taking care of yourself in ways that interrupt the cycle, getting enough rest, setting realistic limits, and allowing yourself to move forward steadily rather than proving your worth through overwork.

These small changes help your nervous system learn that it’s safe to have more, and safe to keep it.

Because when you understand why we self sabotage, you stop seeing yourself as the problem.

You start seeing the pattern.

And patterns can change.

Not instantly.

But gradually, as you begin responding to yourself differently than you did before.

Learn more in my next blog- How to change the story you tell yourself to improve a growth mindset